


Push and Pull

by fullsunlet



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M, side johnten
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:08:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22948333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullsunlet/pseuds/fullsunlet
Summary: Jaehyun gets more than he asks for after propositioning Doyoung the first night he sees the other singing at his favourite bar.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung
Comments: 39
Kudos: 207





	Push and Pull

**Author's Note:**

> \- I said this before and I will say it again - I will write as much Johnten as I want into my Jaedo fics T^T  
> \- I enjoyed writing this so much and I personally like this very much and I don't usually like my writing so I hope anyone who reads this likes it as much too ;;

The first time Jaehyun sees Doyoung, it’s at a bar. It’s not the rowdy kind with too many people because the drinks are cheap (and bad) and where the air is permeated with the smell of smoke that clings onto your clothes. There’s no loud band playing on the stage and neither is there a group of underage teenagers too drunk to dance to the music. _Spark_ is a quiet bar that Jaehyun likes even though he hates its name. He likes it because it’s not a popular destination for most barhoppers — it’s situated in an inconvenient place, too far from the central area for normal office workers to drive down and too secluded for young adults to make the effort of taking the bus and then walking over. He likes it because the drinks actually taste good. He likes it because there aren’t random people trying to hit on him even though he feels the lingering gazes of others at time (of course, it’s his Rolex watch that draws the attention, and maybe his face).

He finds the reason why he likes the place the most on the night he first lays eyes on Doyoung on the small stage opposite the bar counter. The singer’s seated on a high chair, his right leg elegantly crossed over his left, his eyes closed as he sighs into the microphone before parting his lips.

The first note that leaves Doyoung’s mouth leaves Jaehyun mesmerised. He doesn’t look to Johnny who’s sitting beside him to check if his friend is able to understand him. Johnny won’t understand him. He’s too sad about his fight with Ten and he’s probably too drunk to even hear the singer’s voice.

Eyes fixed on the figure on stage, Jaehyun admires the stranger’s face, notes that he has dirty blonde hair, obviously styled yet still rather messy. Smokey eyeshadow dust his eyelids and Jaehyun can see the colours so clearly whenever the singer closes his eyes. A light cherry red paints his lips and Jaehyun wonders if his kisses are as sweet as he imagines them to be. He’s wearing a black leather jacket and ripped jeans and Jaehyun can’t help but feel that he looks slightly incongruent to the bar’s setting. Yet he still looks so pretty and Jaehyun can’t look away.

“You can proposition him,” Johnny says suddenly and the words shock Jaehyun so much that he tears his eyes away from the stage and stares at Johnny with wide eyes.

There’s a grin on Johnny’s face. He doesn’t look drunk but Jaehyun knows better. Johnny didn’t mean it.

“People do that, don’t they?” Johnny’s referring to an incident that happened in the same bar two weeks ago.

“No,” Jaehyun replies with a frown, though he can’t quell that feeling of desire pooling in his stomach. He knows that people do _do_ that, even in this bar that he likes so much — he merely chooses to ignore that side of it since he doesn’t indulge in it and neither does Johnny.

A knowing smile appears on Johnny’s face. “Others have propositioned him before.”

That catches Jaehyun’s attention. “You know him?” There’s a part of him that wishes Johnny would stop using the word _proposition_. It’s just an arguably nicer way of saying that Jaehyun wants to have sex with him or fuck him like other people do.

“That’s Doyoung,” Johnny answers simply like Jaehyun should have known. “He sings here every Thursday night. You don’t see him because you’re usually only here on Tuesday nights.” He sits straight and puffs his chest out, looking more sober than he really is all of a sudden. “You wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for me.”

Jaehyun laughs and he’s not being mean when he says, “Should I thank you for arguing with Ten, then?”

Johnny gives Jaehyun a wry smile before turning back to his drink to nurse his heartache.

“Doyoung,” Jaehyun whispers to himself as he shifts his eyes back to the singer on the stage.

Their eyes meet and Jaehyun feels his ears burn as hotly as the _want_ he feels inside.

He calls Johnny’s family driver to pick him up after Doyoung goes off stage. After making sure that Johnny’s in safe hands, he heads to the back entrance where he saw Doyoung heading towards.

When he pushes open the backdoor, he’s expecting to see Doyoung leaning against the brick wall with a cigarette between his lips — some typical picture of a poorly-paid bar singer past midnight. What he finds instead is Doyoung staring intently at his phone, a pout on his face as he begins typing something before keeping his phone.

There’s a surprised look on Doyoung’s face when he looks up and spots Jaehyun standing awkwardly at the door watching him. The surprise soon morphs into one of amusement.

“Hi,” Doyoung greets, taking a step closer to Jaehyun and offering a hand. “I’m Doyoung.”

Jaehyun’s mind blanks for a moment before he accepts the proffered hand. “Jaehyun.”

He doesn’t let go even after shaking Doyoung’s hand and Doyoung smiles, even though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. But Doyoung doesn’t tell Jaehyun to let go nor makes the first move to pull away. Instead, he brings Jaehyun’s hand down and starts swinging it playfully.

The simple action is so cute that Jaehyun has to fight hard not to break into a grin. He bites down on his lower lips and presses his upper lip down tightly, although he’s certain his dimples are showing anyway.

A thought suddenly runs through Jaehyun’s mind — _is this how he tries to find his clients?_ — but he brushes it away quickly in favour of voicing Johnny’s suggestion instead, unintentionally of course. “How much?”

Doyoung doesn’t look taken aback when he hears the words. His smile only grows wider and this time, it does reach his eyes. “You mean my jacket?” He makes a show of opening one side and Jaehyun swallows when he realises how broad Doyoung actually is. “I don’t remember. I bought it in Europe.”

The moment the question left Jaehyun’s mouth, he felt his heart drop. But after hearing Doyoung’s reply, he finds that he can breathe again. “Right,” he settles for saying, not wanting to make a bigger fool of himself by saying something unnecessary. He isn’t good with words. Doyoung seems to have such an easy way with words though.

Jaehyun files the fact that Doyoung’s jacket is from Europe at the back of his mind. Then he deletes the note when he considers how Doyoung might be lying to him.

Laughing, Doyoung finally lets go of Jaehyun’s hand and the latter resists the urge to chase after the warmth. He lifts a hand to Jaehyun’s cheek before patting it lightly. “You can’t afford me.”

~

The next time Jaehyun sees Doyoung, it’s outside a hotel, one of the more luxurious ones in the city that costs thousands a night. Doyoung’s getting out of a white Porsche as he hands a set of keys over to the valet before slowly walking towards the entrance. If Jaehyun doesn’t have his eyes fixed so intently on Doyoung, he would have missed the limp in the other’s step.

Jaehyun tries to ignore the way Doyoung’s walking by taking his time to see what Doyoung’s wearing instead. The other’s dressed in a simple white button-up dress shirt today. It seems a little loose on him but Jaehyun thinks that he looks fine regardless. A pair of tight denim jeans hug his thighs and calves and to complete the whole ensemble, he has on brown laced-up boots. Jaehyun squints for confirmation when he sees heels at the bottom.

Then Jaehyun looks up when he realises that Doyoung isn’t walking anymore. He meets Doyoung’s eyes — they seem to be laughing at him, and he feels absolutely flustered.

Clearing his throat, Jaehyun makes his way over to Doyoung. Better to strike a conversation before Doyoung questions him about how he was staring at him. “Fancy seeing you here.” And that’s the best Jaehyun can come up with. He’s not good with words. Really.

“Not really,” Doyoung says with a laugh. He doesn’t care about Jaehyun staring at him. He doesn’t care why Jaehyun’s here.

He’s still laughing at Jaehyun, not obviously but he’s certainly doing a very poor job at masking his joy, and Jaehyun can’t even find it in himself to be offended.

Ignoring Doyoung’s jab, Jaehyun asks, “You’re staying here?”. Honestly, he’s asking more out of curiosity than politeness. He can’t help but think that this hotel is where Doyoung has his hook-ups at. If that were true, Jaehyun comes to two conclusions — one, Doyoung is expensive and two, Doyoung’s clients are extraordinarily rich, maybe even richer than Jaehyun.

Then he remembers the car Doyoung got out from and wonders if Doyoung’s actually rich. But Doyoung’s reply scratches that thought from his mind.

“I have a room waiting for me here,” Doyoung clarifies, although it isn’t much clarification to Jaehuyn.

Jaehyun pauses, collects his thoughts, before opening his mouth again. “You mean you booked a room here?” Jaehyun tries prying for more information. He wants to know.

Doyoung doesn’t want to tell. “And if I didn’t?”

The answer throws Jaehyun off guard and he finds himself at a loss on how to keep the conversation going.

“I told you, you can’t afford me,” Doyoung repeats his words from the first night they spoke before patting Jaehyun’s cheek again and then walking into the hotel lobby.

~

They don’t have anything going on between them. They barely know each other. So Jaehyun doesn’t really understand why he feels jealous when he finds Doyoung talking to another man at the bar counter on a Tuesday night. Firstly, it’s a Tuesday, Doyoung isn’t supposed to be there.

Yet Doyoung stood out to Jaehyun the moment he walked into the bar and for two simple reasons. His dirty blonde hair looks so striking amidst a sea of black and he’s just so, so handsome that Jaehyun doesn’t think he can ever look at anyone else when Doyoung’s in the room.

Jaehyun tries watching Doyoung and the other man from the corner of his eye. It’s such a creepy thing to do and so unlike himself but he’s just so intrigued by Doyoung that he doesn’t want to look away. When it becomes too difficult and tiring, he stands up to go to another seat for a better view. He doesn’t care if he’s being too obvious or if Doyoung sees what he’s doing.

He almost regrets shifting his seat when he sees the next moment clearly, too clearly — Doyoung stretching his arm on the counter before laying his head down sideways while watching the man sitting opposite him the entire time. A soft smile appears on his face and he looks like he’s glowing. His smile is so sweet and again Jaehyun wonders just how sweet those lips are. It’s something Jaehyun’s never seen on Doyoung’s face before (sure, he’s only seen the other twice but something tells him that Doyoung doesn’t smile so easily). Then there’s the tenderness in Doyoung’s eyes, as if the other man holds his entire universe in his hands.

Right there and then, Jaehyun concludes that he hates the scene.

“Stop staring.”

Johnny’s voice pulls Jaehyun’s gaze away from Doyoung and the stranger. He belatedly wonders why Johnny hasn’t made up with Ten yet.

“Ten’s away on a business trip,” Johnny explains like he just read Jaehyun’s mind.

Business trip. Jaehyun scoffs. They both know Ten’s out of the country to play, and perhaps to avoid Johnny too this time. He doesn’t know Ten very well despite Johnny being his best friend and Ten being his boyfriend of seven years. At the beginning, he simply thought that it was too soon to hang out with Ten. But one year became two, and three, and Jaehyun just stopped wondering if he’ll ever become close to Ten. It’s better this way for him though. There’s no need for him to struggle in taking a side whenever they fight. He knows that some of their mutual friends have faced this situation more times than they enjoy and Jaehyun’s just glad that he’ll never find himself facing such a problem.

Johnny shifts in his seat before leaning closer to Jaehyun, acting nonchalant as he tells him, “Don’t look over there but Doyoung’s looking this way.”

 _“Don’t look over there,”_ says Johnny and all Jaehyun wants to do is look. He’s halfway turning around when Johnny places a hand on his shoulder to stop him, eyes telling him to stay still. Begrudgingly, Jaehyun pretends to be shifting in his seat before fully facing Johnny again. “Is he still looking?” Johnny nods. “How does he look?”

Trying his best to be discreet, Johnny looks over Jaehyun’s shoulder, startling when he almost meets Doyoung’s eyes. “He looks cute, I guess?” Johnny jokes and Jaehyun glares at him. “He’s not looking anymore,” Johnny informs earnestly when he feels Jaehyun about to make a snide remark about his relationship with Ten.

When Doyoung and the stranger leaves, Jaehyun watches them, pleased that they aren’t holding hands or standing too close to each other. He’s about to stand and take his leave as well when Johnny stops him.

“He looked like he was talking about you. He looked interested in you, Jaehyun.”

~

It takes Jaehyun another ten times (or more) of seeing Doyoung on stage and watching way too many guys hit on Doyoung (or proposition him as Johnny likes to say) and casually flirting (and failing) with the other before he decides to _proposition_ the other again, properly this time. He’s never done it before. He’s never intended on doing something like this before. He’s always hated the other rich people who act like they’re better than everybody just because they had the money, that they could buy anyone they want, and technically, they could, which only makes Jaehyun hate them even more. But he also knows that he wants Doyoung. Wants Doyoung so much that he can throw his pride and morals aside. Better him than someone else, or that’s how he convinces himself. At least he knows that he won’t do anything unless Doyoung is willing.

Except there’s also a fine line there, especially if Doyoung is getting paid. But those are things that Jaehyun doesn’t want to think about. Any normal human being who wants something, or someone rather, hardly rationalises his or her actions.

Jaehyun approaches Doyoung as soon as the other walks off the stage. “Do you want to go back with me tonight?” Normal invites probably don’t go this way but Jaehyun doesn’t have any references or experience.

Doyoung stares at Jaehyun, a blank look on his face and he doesn’t say anything. All he does is walk towards the backdoor, giving Jaehyun a smile, an inviting look on his face on his way out.

They call a cab and head to the nearest five-star hotel nearby. It happens to be the one Jaehyun met Doyoung at the entrance weeks ago. He doesn’t want to be in this hotel, not the same one Doyoung brings other men back to. But he doesn’t have a choice as Doyoung drags him to the receptionist to open a room.

On instinct, Jaehyun pulls out his card and Doyoung happily takes it before handing it over to the reception staff. Jaehyun didn’t hear what room Doyoung asked for and he honestly doesn’t care even if it’s the most expensive room in the hotel.

“How do you want me?” Doyoung asks, already pulling off his jacket the moment he steps into the suite.

It’s not the Presidential Suite at least.

“I don’t want to sleep with you, Doyoung,” Jaehyun lies without batting his eyes. His heartbeat doesn’t even speed up.

Doyoung spins around but he doesn’t stop unbuttoning his shirt. “Oh?”

Jaehyun walks over to the older boy and stops his hands. “I just don’t want you to sleep with anyone else,” he tells the truth this time. “Especially because you’re taking their money.”

Doyoung’s eyes crinkle in mirth. “Who told you I was sleeping with other people for money?”

“I — ” Jaehyun frowns. “You aren’t?”

“I am?” Doyoung laughs and then he’s slowly shaking his head but Jaehyun doesn’t know if he’s answering him. “Who told you I was sleeping with anyone at all?” Leaning closer to Jaehyun, Doyoung brushes his lips over his cheeks as he takes Jaehyun’s hand in his own. “How do you want me?” he repeats his previous question.

“I didn’t bring you here to sleep with you,” Jaehyun insists, although he knows that his patience and self-control are wearing thin. After all, he did bring Doyoung here to sleep with him. “I brought you here so that no one else would try to take advantage of you.”

“You don’t have to worry about me or take care of me. We’re not friends,” Doyoung states simply. “Now, let’s get going with what you brought me here for.”

“I don’t want to sleep with you,” Jaehyun says again, emphasising his lie, hoping that Doyoung will believe it this time so he can just run to the toilet and ‘wash-up’ and preferably not sleep in the same bed as Doyoung. He still wants to sleep with Doyoung, of course he does. But not like that. Not when he’s paying Doyoung for it. Now with Doyoung standing so close to him, he realises that this isn’t what he wants despite any of his initial intentions.

“But _I_ want to sleep with you,” Doyoung replies before he takes another step closer to Jaehyun. Smile widening, Doyoung then leans in and kisses Jaehyun, closing his eyes as soon as their lips touch.

It’s always been like this between the two of them, right from the start. Doyoung’s always been the one who held the reins. And tonight's no different.

Jaehyun lets Doyoung take the lead. He kisses back fervorously, only daring to wrap his arms around Doyoung’s waist when the other places one hand on his chest and loops the other one loosely around his neck. When Doyoung sighs into the kiss, Jaehyun takes it as encouragement to press closer and suck harder on Doyoung’s tongue.

He lets Doyoung pull him towards the bed, too drunk on the taste of Doyoung’s lips that he doesn’t even worry about Doyoung walking backwards blindly. He doesn’t realise that they’ve reached the end of the bed until Doyoung abruptly falls backwards, pulling Jaehyun down with him. Their noses collide and it hurts but Jaehyun doesn’t have the chance to rub his nose or whine about the pain because Doyoung’s back to kissing him again.

Doyoung’s hands slide down Jaehyun’s back and he moans into the kiss when Jaehyun lightly pulls his hair. Then Doyoung’s hands are running all over Jaehyun’s chest before going down and stopping at his waistband. Jaehyun understands at once and sits up so that he can pull off his jeans. He’s halfway done when he looks at Doyoung and realised that the other’s pants and underwear are already entirely off, but his shirt still remains half unbuttoned and one side is falling off his shoulder.

Seeing Doyoung like this sends Jaehyun’s brain into a frenzy and his hands stop moving. He sees Doyoung rolling his eyes before he’s pulled on top of the Doyoung again.

“Just fuck me like that,” Doyoung whispers, sounding breathy, but still so, so sweet and so lovely.

Jaehyun presses two fingers to Doyoung’s lips, expecting the other to open his mouth but he doesn’t. “Suck.”

It’s only when Jaehyun gives the command that Doyoung opens his mouth but he doesn’t suck like he’s told. Instead, he bites down on Jaehyun’s fingers before pulling back and saying, “No.” Then he pulls open the bedside drawer and rummages through it until he finds the bottle he’s looking for before throwing it at Jaehyun’s chest. “I’m familiar with this hotel,” Doyoung explains proudly and Jaehyun frowns, not knowing what to make of the statement.

Jaehyun doesn’t take long preparing Doyoung because he’s impatient, because Doyoung was the one who asked for this, because Doyoung wants him.

Before he enters, Doyoung pushes him away and tilts his head towards the condom box he threw on the bed.

“I’m not sick.”

Doyoung rolls his eyes and Jaehyun’s eye twitches, subconsciously wondering how many times Doyoung’s already rolled his eyes at him on this bed. “Well, I am.”

It’s a joke, obviously but Jaehyun grits his teeth, strengthens his will not to push in as he carefully rolls on a condom.

He’s nowhere near being gentle like he initially intended to be. He doesn’t mean to be rough or thrust in and out so quickly but Doyoung’s being _so loud_ that it’s driving him crazy and it shows in the way he’s snapping his hips mercilessly against Doyoung’s ass, causing the skin to redden with the friction from his jeans.

Jaehyun can’t help but imagine how lewd everything looks, with how he’s practically fully-clothes while all Doyoung has on is a button-up shirt with more than half of its top buttons undone.

“Jaehyun, please,” Doyoung whines. “Go faster. I can take it.” He lets out a long, drawn-out moan when Jaehyun does as he wants — faster, faster, and faster, until Doyoung is crying because it’s too much. Everything is too much.

And Jaehyun can’t stop himself from leaning down and kissing the tears away. His heart tightens in his chest when Doyoung tightens his arms around his neck and sobs even more, saying his name so softly, _Jaehyun_.

It’s heady.

~

Another whole week passes before Jaehyun sees Doyoung again — the other was gone by the time Jaehyun woke up after they had sex and he didn't turn up at the bar on Thursday night. He sees Doyoung at a shopping mall by coincidence. There’s no reason for him to approach the other and he doesn’t even want to. They aren’t friends, not even acquaintances; the closest thing he is to Doyoung right now is a one-night-stand and even that doesn’t sound right to Jaehyun considering the number of times he’s met Doyoung. Yet, he can’t pull his eyes away from the other.

He regrets not looking away the moment their eyes meet and Doyoung just stares back. At that moment, everything becomes still for Jaehyun and he sucks in a breath, holds it, and waits for Doyoung to make the next move. He sighs in relief when he sees a smile blossoming on Doyoung’s face.

Doyoung walks over to him and says, “Hi.”

Jaehyun doesn’t respond because he’s too stunned and before he collects himself, Doyoung’s already asking him out to watch a movie together.

Without thinking, Jaehyun says yes.

They talk about the movie afterwards, Doyoung going on and on about the plot and plot holes and Jaehyun can only agree. He’s not really a movie buff and it’s honestly been ages since he saw anything at the cinema. He probably wouldn’t have stepped into one so soon if it weren’t for Doyoung.

“You didn’t enjoy the movie,” Doyoung says suddenly when they’re seated at a restaurant to have dinner at.

Jaehyun opens his mouth to defend himself immediately, yet he can’t think of any possible things to say.

“You didn’t enjoy the movie that much,” Doyoung corrects his previous words, quirks an eyebrow in Jaehyun’s direction, daring him to come up with an excuse to deny his accusation.

Nodding, Jaehyun admits, “No I didn’t. But I enjoyed your company and I enjoy listening to you talk about the movie.”

It’s a compliment, Jaehyun hopes that Doyoung knows that he’s praising him. He probably does, with the way his eyes light up and his gummy smile that Jaehyun finds so characteristically _him_ appears on his face.

If they were dating, Jaehyun would kiss him.

They exchange numbers at the end of the day and Doyoung kisses Jaehyun on the lips before bidding him goodbye and telling him goodnight.

~

“You should meet my best friend’s son,” Mrs Jung tells Jaehyun out of the blue.

That’s how Jaehyun finds himself at the dinner table with his mother and her best friend, Mrs Lee the same night. He doesn’t understand his parents’ obsession with finding him a date. His father is more traditional, trying to find him girls from affluent families while his mother is more open-minded, simply wanting her son to have a partner.

“I apologise for my son’s lateness,” Mrs Lee says, more to Jaehyun than to his mother.

Jaehyun smiles politely and nods.

His phone starts vibrating every few seconds in his pocket but he simply ignores it. Then it got too annoying. Pulling his phone out, he glares at the screen, wondering who’s the person who keeps messaging him. It can’t be Johnny, his best friend, his only friend. It won’t be Johnny because he’s made up with Ten and they’re probably in Jeju or somewhere now. Upon seeing Doyoung’s name, his eyes soften immediately and he begins scrolling through the notifications.

_Jaehyun_

_Jaehyun_

_Where are you?_

_You aren’t here?_

_Why aren’t you here?_

It’s Thursday night. Somehow it slipped Jaehyun’s mind that Doyoung usually sings at the bar on Thursday nights. ‘Usually’, at the beginning anyway. It isn’t Jaehyun’s fault that he forgot since Doyoung’s appearance is getting increasingly random. He’s never there every Thursday night. Jaehyun knows because _he_ is there every Thursday night and it’s not even his job.

Another message comes in and it’s a photo attachment. Jaehyun opens the message and his breath hitches when he sees the picture — Doyoung’s thighs covered in black leather pants and a garter belt wrapped around the left side, his hand lying on top of the belt, his long fingers resting on his inner thigh. Doyoung deletes the message in a few seconds and Jaehyun guesses that the other took the picture and then sent it by accident. Doyoung doesn’t send another message explaining his mistake but it doesn’t matter. Jaehyun’s already seen the picture and he doesn’t care if Doyoung did it on purpose or by accident. The picture’s etched in his mind.

It’s a considerable lewd picture. It is to Jaehyun at least, something that he shouldn’t even be thinking about with his mother sitting next to him while she talks about dogs with Mrs Lee.

Doyoung sends another photo and this time it’s a picture of an empty seat, the seat Jaehyun always occupies at the bar.

“I know who Donghyuck is,” Jaehyun says abruptly before he takes his leave, not missing the way Mrs Lee’s eyes widen in surprise.

Jaehyun goes to the bar not because of Doyoung’s second picture.

It’s because of the first one.

~

Jaehyun doesn’t like parties, not the college kind and definitely not the adult kind. The kind where he has to stay in a stuffy suit and dress shoes which _hurt_ his feet because of his mother’s insistence that he has to show up in something new every time.

He doesn’t like it because it’s usually when his father tries forcing him to meet girls his age or younger than him, some way too young for him, all for a business alliance, all for an economic contract people like them called marriage. Maybe not for all of them — Jaehyun can see the love in his parents eyes but he knows that not everyone can have something like that. It doesn’t stop him from dreaming though.

There’s no reason for him to be at the party, other than because his mother strongly requested for his presence. He remembers the message he received from Doyoung an hour ago — _are you coming tonight?_. It was a simple message, short and sweet, and straight to the point, and how Jaehyun wished that he could say, _yes_. He hates that he couldn’t say yes and he hates that he wanted to hear Doyoung’s voice saying those words so much that he called the other.

“Doyoung.”

_“Yes?”_

Jaehyun hated how a single word made his heart beat quicker. “Ask me again.”

_“Is your answer going to change?”_

“No.”

A sigh, and then, _“are you coming tonight?”_. Doyoung’s voice was soft, so quiet that Jaehyun wouldn’t have heard him if his phone’s speaker wasn’t pressed so tightly against his ear.

“I’m not interested in girls.” It’s the first thing Jaehyun tells his father when he walks up to him in the crowded ballroom.

His father regards him for a moment, no disappointment or anything of that sort reflected in his eyes, before he shrugs and downs the rest of his drink. “You don’t need to be interested in girls to marry one. You can play with boys if you want, but you need an heir.”

“Okay,” is all Jaehyun says before he walks away. He’s about to walk out of the ballroom to sneak off somewhere when his mother stops him and drags him towards a group of her friends to introduce her son that they already recognised.

“I’m sure you remember — ”

“Mrs Lee,” Jaehyun greets, interrupting his mother before she can finish her sentence. The other women scatter when they realise that their child won’t be the one having a chance with Jaehyun. Of course, he remembers Mrs Lee. She’s his mother’s best friend. They just met two weeks ago for a failed dinner.

“Her son is back from America and he promised to turn up this time,” Jaehyun’s mother excitedly informs him.

What son? Isn’t Lee Donghyuck her son? And Jaehyun knows Lee Donghyuck.

“The dinner wasn’t your fault. My unfilial son wasn’t planning on turning up at all,” Mrs Lee explains. “Don’t take it to heart.”

Jaehyun nods. He didn’t take it to heart.

It’s Mrs Jung’s turn to speak. “You used to play together when the two of you were younger but I don’t think you remember him.”

“It’s funny,” Mrs Lee continues and Jaehyun prepares himself for a long story, the narrator going back and forth between his mother and her best friend. “I got pregnant about a year earlier than your mother and I had a boy.”

Jaehyun turns to his mother automatically, expecting her to carry on with the story and he isn’t disappointed when his mother naturally takes over.

“We were both hoping that I would have a daughter so the both of you could get married.”

“We almost set up an engagement for the two of you.”

“But then I turned out with a son too!”

Mrs Lee laughs. “You were such a pretty boy though, everyone mistook you for a girl. You had such fair skin and big eyes.”

The smile on Jaehyun’s face is forced. He still has fair skin and big eyes.

“Doyoung was very pretty as a child too!” Mrs Jung interjects, laughing along with her best friend. “And look at them both now. They’ve grown up to become so handsome.”

Doyoung.

Doyoung?

The only Doyoung that Jaehyun can think of at the moment is the blonde-hair singer at the bar on Thursday nights. The blonde-hair singer at the bar tonight. The one who wears too much eye makeup every time he’s there and always looking like he doesn’t belong to the place but shines brighter than all the glittering lights there anyway.

“Jaehyun, this is Doyoung, my son.”

When Jaehyun looks up, he sees Doyoung. He sees _his_ Doyoung without any eye makeup and dressed in an impeccable white suit. His hair is black, not blonde, and gelled, a loose wisp falling over his eye. He cocks his head to the side as he smiles at Jaehyun.

“Hi,” Doyoung says, stretching out his hand. “I’m Doyoung.”

Dejavú hits Jaehyun hard but he accepts Doyoung’s hand quickly. “Jaehyun.”

Their mothers walk away shortly after, leaving their sons to get acquainted with each other, not knowing they’ve already had a tumble in the sheets.

“Do you have a twin?” Jaehyun blurts out as soon as they’re left alone.

“No.”

“Is it a split-personality disorder? Or do doppelgängers really exist? You can’t be him.”

Doyoung laughs, light dancing in his eyes as if he knows exactly who Jaehyun is referring to. “I’m not an escort, Jaehyun. I never was.”

So Doyoung does know what Jaehyun was trying to do all this time. “Why are you singing at the bar? Wait, answer this first — why did you call me to ask if I was coming to the bar if you weren’t even there?”

Tilting his head sideways, Doyoung doesn’t reply to the second question first like Jaehyun asked him to. “I like singing,” he says easily with a smile. “And I wanted to see if this party was worth attending.”

Sucking in sharply, Jaehyun feels a chill going down his spine when Doyoung takes a step closer to him. “So is it worth attending?”

“You’re here, so yes.”

Clearing his throat, Jaehyun adjusts his tie, suddenly feeling too stuffy in his suit. He proceeds to his next question. “Why are there always so many people wanting to sleep you?”

At that, Doyoung’s eyes light up and he smiles before lifting a hand to rest on Jaehyun’s where he’s loosening the knot in his tie. Jaehyun’s hand stills at once as if frozen. “You asked me for sex too. Shouldn’t you know the reason why? Hm?”

Jaehyun feels his ears burn at the accusation and decides to move on from that conversation. “You never said anything.”

“I know you didn’t mean anything bad,” Doyoung’s talking about the first night Jaehyun asked him, _how much?_. “I was just surprised that you didn’t recognise me. We used to play together as kids after all.” Then Doyoung pauses and regards Jaehyun thoughtfully. “I even said I bought my jacket in Europe and you still thought I was an escort.”

 _‘Yes, you did, but I thought you were lying or just had a really rich client who brought you on trips. I know I would,’_ Jaehyun thinks.

“You even saw my car. It’s a white Porsche. You remember it?”

Again, Jaehyun ignores him, not wanting to explain how he thought Doyoung just had an incredibly rich sugar daddy. Jaehyun would buy Doyoung a car if he asked.

Jaehyun thinks about all the other signs and how stupid he is when he remembers about the first time they had sex. “You swiped my card for a Presidential Suite.” It _was_ the Presidential Suite, but Jaehyun didn’t realise it at that moment. He only found out later when he saw his credit card bill. While Jaehyun’s family has the money, the cost for that room did make his father ask some questions that Jaehyun would rather not have answered.

There’s a twinkle in Doyoung’s eyes when he admits, “I’ve never slept in a Presidential Suite before and you looked like you would have bought me the hotel if I asked.”

Doyoung isn’t wrong there. Jaehyun probably would have bought the hotel if he asked.

“Lee Doyoung?” Jaehyun tests the name on his lips, finally putting a family name to the person he’s been so enamoured with for the past few months.

A frown appears on Doyoung’s face. “ _Kim_ Doyoung,” he corrects but doesn’t proceed to offer an explanation.

“Your mother is Lee — ”

“I follow my father’s surname,” Doyoung tells him and a moment of silence falls over them as Doyoung allows Jaehyun the time to take in his words. “My parents divorced when I was really young and then I moved to America with my father and my mother remarried and had a second child. That’s Donghyuck. I’m sure you know Donghyuck.”

Jaehyun does know Donghyuck. He just didn’t know that Donghyuck had an older half-brother.

“So, what now?”

“So, what now?” Doyoung repeats teasingly. “Now that you know I’m not an escort and that I don’t need your money, will you stop propositioning me?”

“You never — you - ” Jaehyun lowers his voice, “ - had sex with me.”

“That’s because you like me - ”

“Because I - ”

“ - And because I like you too,” Doyoung completes his own sentence. “I like you, Jung Jaehyun.”

~

For all Doyoung’s claim that they used to play together, they didn’t. Not really.

When Jaehyun confronts his mother about when exactly did he used to hang out with Doyoung — his mother says _that one time at the beach_. Shortly after that, Doyoung went to the States to live with his father and Jaehyun never saw him again. They weren’t childhood friends, not at all. He doesn’t even think that Doyoung remembers him and simply based his words off what his mother had told him before.

Jaehyun’s having lunch at a restaurant near his office when he sees Doyoung again. Doyoung’s with that stranger from the bar. Again. Jaehyun’s heart twists painfully in his chest. _Again._

When Doyoung lifts his head, Jaehyun doesn’t turn away in time to not get caught staring. He never turns away in time. So he gives Doyoung a nod. Doyoung’s face is blank for a second, as if he’s wondering if that’s Jaehyun, then his gummy smile appears. The stranger is about to turn around, probably to see who Doyoung is smiling so brightly at but Doyoung stops him, says something, and then stands up and heads towards the toilet.

Jaehyun takes it as his cue to go over as well. He excuses himself from the table and heads straight to the toilet.

He sees Doyoung standing in front of the sink, smiling at Jaehyun’s reflection in the mirror. Jaehyun stands next to him but he doesn’t turn to face the other. “We weren’t friends. We barely knew each other.”

Blinking, Doyoung tilts his head sideways. “Does it matter?”

“I like you.”

“I know,” Doyoung replies, standing straight again as he nods.

 _“You like me too. Why won’t you say it?”_ Jaehyun knows that Doyoung likes him too. He said it so himself and Jaehyun just wants to hear him say it again. Is he asking for too much too soon? “This Saturday. I’ll pick you up in the morning. Where are you staying?”

“The hotel you saw me at,” Doyoung says, smile widening when Jaehyun fully turns his body to face him.

“That’s why you were so familiar with the hotel?” Jaehyun blurts out.

Doyoung laughs. “You mean that’s why I knew where the lube was? If so, then yes. I play with myself if you must know the details.”

Jaehyun’s ears turn red and he coughs. He doesn’t know where he finds the courage to ask, “Where?”

The sparkle in Doyoung’s eyes looks so pretty but Jaehyun feels scared. He leans in towards Jaehyun, so close that his lips brushes Jaehyun’s burning ear when he says, “Behind.”

The answer makes Jaehyun’s ears grow redder and he tries to stifle another cough. Doyoung laughs and pats Jaehyun’s shoulder, telling him, _it’s usually enough_ before walking out of the toilet. And Jaehyun tries to calm himself down before going back to his table and joining his workmates.

But no matter how hard he tries, he simply can’t get the image of Doyoung coming from his own fingers alone out of his head.

~

“So where are we going?” Doyoung asks excitedly as soon as he gets into Jaehyun’s car. He sounds like a child about to go on a school field trip and Jaehyun is just so endeared.

“An amusement park.”

Doyoung laughs and Jaehyun finds that he can get used to hearing that sound every day.

Once they go past the entrance, Jaehyun leads them straight to the rollercoaster and Doyoung simply follows, neither objecting nor agreeing with Jaehyun’s choice. Though he must be okay with it seeing that he’s standing next to Jaehyun in line and not trying to run away.

“Why an amusement park?” Doyoung asks, trying to kill some time while waiting.

Jaehyun scoffs in response. “Don’t you know that going to an amusement park is one of the easiest ways to hold someone’s hand?”

“Not while watching a movie?”

Nodding, Jaehyun grins at Doyoung. “That too.”

Doyoung grins back and Jaehyun feels like he’s about to lose another conversation with Doyoung. “You didn’t hold my hand when we watched a movie together.”

“That…that wasn’t a date.”

“So this is a date?”

Jaehyun doesn’t say anything, switching the conversation to a new movie that just came out. Doyoung’s already seen it, of course. Jaehyun hasn’t, he’s only read the synopsis and movie reviews and Doyoung spoiled the whole movie for him. It’s fine though, Jaehyun wasn’t planning on watching it anyway.

Just as they’re getting on the roller coaster, Jaehyun says, “Yes, this is a date.”

Turning to Jaehyun, Doyoung smiles so widely that his eyes crinkle.

“Hold my hand if you’re scared,” Jaehyun teases.

Doyoung rolls his eyes and pushes Jaehyun’s hand away before lowering the vehicle’s bar to his thighs. “Who holds hands on a rollercoaster?”

They simultaneously throw their hands up before the first drop, making Jaehyun turn to Doyoung and all he manages to see is a small, elated smile on Doyoung’s face before the rollercoaster’s dropping at high speed, forcing Jaehyun to look forward again.

Once they get off the rollercoaster, Doyoung’s already heading towards a certain direction and Jaehyun chases him to keep up.

“I saw it when we were up there,” Doyoung fills Jaehyun in once they’re walking side-by-side. He doesn’t say what ‘it’ is.

Jaehyun finds out soon enough when Doyoung stops right in front of the carnival-like booths. Balloon darts.

Grinning, Jaehyun walks over to the staff and pays the fixed amount for ten darts. Beside him, Doyoung’s doing the same.

“Ten hits for the big toy, eight for the medium one, six for the small one, and five for a ‘well done, thank you for participating’”, Doyoung reads the rules aloud before looking straight and throwing his first dart and popping the first balloon, then he turns to smile at Jaehyun. “I want the big toy, you?”

Jaehyun’s eye twitches. He prepares to throw his first dart, ignoring Doyoung’s question. Only when his first balloon pops does he look at Doyoung and says, “Same, I guess.”

True to his word, Doyoung ends up with a big toy, a large golden retriever that he stuffs into Jaehyun’s hands after receiving it. Not expecting Doyoung’s action, Jaehyun almost drops the small white rabbit toy in his hand but he manages to hold onto both.

“It looks like you.” Doyoung nods his head at the golden retriever.

Frowning, Jaehyun stares at the golden retriever, trying to find some similarities. Then he looks at the rabbit and then at Doyoung, making the other scowl before snatching the rabbit from Jaehyun’s hand.

“Save it.” Doyoung pats the rabbit’s head before giving it back to Jaehyun. “I know I look like a rabbit.”

Shaking his head, Jaehyun passes the rabbit back to Doyoung. “I want you to have it.”

“An exchange?” Doyoung’s eyes brighten up. “A rather unequal exchange if you ask me but that’s sweet.” He happily accepts the rabbit from Jaehyun this time.

If they were dating, Jaehyun would kiss Doyoung.

They aren’t dating, but Doyoung kisses Jaehyun anyway.

Then Doyoung pulls away, a smile still on his face as he turns around, happily skipping to the next destination wherever that is. Jaehyun simply follows.

Jaehyun sees an on-coming cotton candy cart heading towards Doyoung but it’s moving so slowly and it’s still quite far away. It wouldn’t hit Doyoung. Most likely not. But Jaehyun takes this chance to slip his hand into Doyoung’s hand and pull the other off the road for the cart to pass by.

It wouldn’t have hit Doyoung.

Doyoung probably knows but he doesn’t let go, choosing to lightly swing Jaehyun’s hand as he leads them to a water ride.

When Doyoung gets into Jaehyun’s car at the end of the day, he gives the other an address and Jaehyun keys it into his phone’s map.

“That’s my apartment,” Doyoung explains. “I was at the hotel this morning to send some things over.”

“You don’t stay in the hotel?”

“I bought an apartment last week since it seems like I’ll be staying here longer than I intended to.”

Jaehyun doesn’t ask for the reason why Doyoung’s staying longer. He pretends that it’s because of him. He doesn’t ask for confirmation.

~

Jaehyun turns up at Doyoung’s place a week and a half later at 4 A.M. with a bouquet of roses in his hands.

“Please go out with me.”

Doyoung says yes and pulls Jaehyun into his apartment, taking the bouquet of roses and dumping it above his shoe closet.

Their lips collide and the kiss is messy. Jaehyun grabs onto the back of Doyoung’s thigh, hiking it up and Doyoung pushes himself up slightly onto his toes. Then Jaehyun lets go of his leg and wraps both arms around Doyoung’s waist before lifting him off the ground.

Instinctively, Doyoung wraps his legs around Jaehyun’s waist, deepening the kiss and stealing Jaehyun’s breath at the same time.

Jaehyun isn’t gentle with the way he throws Doyoung onto the dining table, causing the other to hiss.

“Aren’t we going to my room?” Doyoung asks angrily. He tries to kick Jaehyun away when the other’s hands go towards his waistband.

“I don’t know where your room is.”

“I’ll direct you.”

Jaehyun pulls Doyoung’s pants and underwear down together, throwing them aside once they’re completely off before undoing his own pants. “I can’t wait.”

Doyoung pushes his hand away and stands up. “Yes, you can.”

He doesn’t bother picking up his pants as he walks towards the room, Jaehyun dutifully following behind.

Jaehyun carries Doyoung again from the back before throwing him onto the bed and Doyoung has half the mind to kick Jaehyun away if he didn’t want this too.

“Stop throwing me around,” Doyoung bites out anyway and Jaehyun leans in to kiss him gently on the lips in apology. At the same time, Jaehyun curls one arm around Doyoung’s waist, while the other travels down to his thigh.

This time, Doyoung doesn’t push his hand away, allows his fingers to tease his entrance as he moves down to lay kisses on Doyoung’s neck.

Bringing two fingers to Doyoung’s lips, Jaehyun looks at him pleadingly. “Suck?”

A grin appears on Doyoung’s face and Jaehyun thinks he might get his way this time. “I’m not sucking anything.” Pushing Jaehyun off, Doyoung rolls onto his side to grab a bottle of lube before handing it over to Jaehyun who accepts it sadly, making Doyoung laugh. “Don’t look like that. I’m the one going to get fucked, not you.”

Doyoung makes it sound like a punishment.

Jaehyun makes him eat his words.

“How are you so big- fuck,” Doyoung curses when Jaehyun sinks in further. His eyes are screwed shut, breathless moans leaving his parted lips every time Jaehyun moves, his neck is so, so red, and the little sounds that escape his throat is all so intoxicating.

“Open wider, baby,” Jaehyun coaxes, his voice low. Doyoung shakes his head but Jaehyun can feel him adjusting his legs.

When Doyoung opens his eyes again, his vision is blurry and he barely sees Jaehyun smirking when he feels Jaehyun lifting his right leg. Before he can ask what Jaehyun is doing, the other bends his leg and suddenly, he understands what Jaehyun wants to do.

“This might hurt. Tell me if you can’t take it,” Jaehyun says before kissing Doyoung on the lips and then pushing his bent leg towards his chest and thrusting in at the same time.

Doyoung parts his lips in a soundless scream, the pain and pleasure hitting him all at once as he feels Jaehyun going in deeper if that’s even possible. Hot tears fill his eyes when Jaehyun starts to move, pulling out slightly, slowly, and they roll down his cheeks the moment Jaehyun slams back in.

“Fuck you!” Doyoung shouts, hitting Jaehyun’s chest with a balled fist as he cries.

“Does it hurt?” Jaehyun asks worriedly. “I can pull out. I can put your leg down.”

“No,” Doyoung whimpers pitifully. “Kiss me,” he chokes out, hands scrambling for Jaehyun’s face, not wanting to hit the other any longer.

Jaehyun leans in closer for Doyoung to pull him down for a kiss. He takes the lead because Doyoung’s just sobbing uncontrollably. He kisses Doyoung slowly, gently like the other’s made of glass. He shushes Doyoung kindly and whispers sweet-nothings against his lips. He wraps his free arm around Doyoung’s neck, fingers rubbing the part where his hair ends to comfort him. He deepens the kiss when he tries to bury himself deeper into Doyoung’s body and Jaehyun belatedly realises how salty Doyoung’s lips taste.

“You always cry when we have sex.” It’s the first thing Jaehyun says once they’re lying down side by side on the bed, all cleaned up (by Jaehyun).

“We’ve only had sex twice,” Doyoung replies, voice hoarse, making him frown.

“And you’ve cried twice,” Jaehyun points out. “Do you always cry when you have sex?”

“If this is your way of asking if I’ve slept with others at the bar, then no I haven’t. You’re the only one.” Doyoung rolls onto his front to look at Jaehyun. The corners of his lips pull upwards slightly. “I only cry when I feel really good,” he admits before planting a quick kiss on Jaehyun’s lips, laughing at the way Jaehyun’s ears turn red.

“Are we dating?” Jaehyun asks suddenly. It’s almost nine in the morning but neither of them have slept since the moment Jaehyun walked into Doyoung’s apartment.

Doyoung hums. “Yes.”

Jaehyun loses Doyoung a week later. Literally.

They didn’t break up but Doyoung just vanished and Jaehyun has no way of contacting him.

He finds out from Donghyuck that Doyoung’s gone to Europe with a friend. So he buys a plane ticket to Spain the same night.

~

“Jaehyun?” Doyoung’s eyes are wide and he stops where he’s standing before his whole face lights up and he breaks into a grin. He slow-jogs over to the younger boy and pulls Jaehyun into a hug, catching the latter by surprise. When he pulls away, he leaves his hands on the side of Jaehyun’s arms. “What are you doing here?”

Jaehyun looks at the other person Doyoung’s with. He recognises the guy — it’s the same guy that was at the bar with Doyoung all those months ago. It’s the same guy who was eating with Doyoung at that restaurant near his office. It’s that guy whose relationship to Doyoung he’s dying to know about. And now he finally has the reason to ask. “Who’s that?”

Doyoung turns back to check who Jaehyun is referring to as if it wasn’t obvious enough, as if he’s suddenly forgotten who he’s here with. “That’s Taeyong,” Doyoung replies simply before facing Jaehyun again, offering no other explanation. Like always.

“Who’s Taeyong?”

Head slightly tilted to the side, Doyoung observes Jaehyun’s face. “Are you jealous?”

There’s no need to lie, Jaehyun thinks. “Yes.”

“Taeyong’s just a friend.”

“Are we dating?” Jaehyun can’t help but ask, annoyed at how calm Doyoung is about this whole situation, about leaving the country to travel halfway across the globe without a word, about meeting Jaehyun randomly on the streets of Spain while spending time with another guy.

Doyoung smiles and he looks so pretty whenever he does that Jaehyun almost forgets that he’s starting to get angry. He always looks so pretty in Jaehyun’s eyes, especially now when the sun is shining behind him, light reflecting in his eyes, making them look like they’re sparkling. “Yes,” Doyoung says softly, but he sounds ecstatic, like he can’t believe that they’re dating. He sounds like he’s the luckiest person in the world for being able to call Jaehyun his when Jaehyun knows that he’s the luckier one between the two for having Doyoung in his life.

Just like that, all the anger in Jaehyun dissipates. “You left without a word. I couldn’t find you.”

Doyoung stays silent for a moment before he says, “I don’t have to tell you everything.”

“But the least you could have done was to tell me that you were going to be away,” Jaehyun throws his hands up in exasperation. “I don’t even know how long you’re intending to be gone for.”

Worrying at his bottom lip, Doyoung finally shows some semblance of guilt. “Should I have said something?”

And just like that, the anger floods back. “That’s what people who are dating do.”

Lips now pressed together in a tight line, Doyoung glares at Jaehyun. “I’m sorry. I’ll let you know next time.” He turns around and gives Taeyong a half-hearted smile. “Let’s go, Taeyong.”

When Taeyong walks past Jaehyun, he tells him, “Doyoung’s not good with commitment.”

~

Doyoung still sings at the bar on Thursday nights, though not every week. And Jaehyun still turns up to watch him, though not every time.

This cold war’s been going on for far too long but neither of them wants to make a move and Jaehyun’s sick of it. He walks up to Doyoung one night after the other is done singing to end this childish fight. “I’ll drive you home.” Jaehyun holds his breath while waiting for an answer. He’s expecting rejection, directly or through some word game that Doyoung likes to play. He wasn’t expecting Doyoung to quietly nod his head and walk towards his car.

The drive back is silent and the walk to Doyoung’s apartment door is silent too.

Jaehyun breaks the silence the moment he steps into the house after Doyoung, the door closing shut behind him. “You’re not good with commitment.” It isn’t an accusation.

With a sigh, Doyoung kicks off his shoes and drops his bag on the couch before walking over to the dining table. He looks at Jaehyun and the latter takes it as a sign to sit opposite him.

“My parents got divorced when I was five? Six? I don’t really remember, honestly,” Doyoung begins. “My mom got another husband and another kid — I love Donghyuck though, don’t get me wrong.” Jaehyun knows that Doyoung loves Donghyuck. Probably more than Doyoung loves him judging by how he told Donghyuck about his little trip to Spain and conveniently forgot to inform his own boyfriend. “My father’s been remarried twice. I’ve moved across five states and changed schools more times than a normal kid would so yes, Jaehyun, I’m not good with commitment. I never needed it.”

“You seem pretty committed to Taeyong,” Jaehyun says bitterly. It wasn’t what he wanted to say. He wanted to tell Doyoung _it’s okay_ but he couldn’t. He’s no Saint.

Doyoung frowns. “Not really. I don’t spend every single minute that I’m not with you with him. The times you’ve seen me with him are probably the only times I’ve hung out with him. He makes the effort to keep the friendship. I just take whatever he gives.”

“I can give too.” Jaehyun leans forward. “I can give too.”

Hesitantly, Doyoung meets Jaehyun’s eyes, eyes that are shining with sincerity and then he slowly holds Jaehyun’s hand. “I know you can. But I don’t want to just keep taking from you.”

“I can make the effort to keep the relationship.” Jaehyun tightens his grip on Doyoung’s hand. “But you have to want it. I can help you, Doyoung. I can help us, trust me.”

Doyoung says nothing and Jaehyun sighs.

“Do you want me to help you?” It’s a straightforward question. Yes or no, simple. Jaehyun’s not asking much. Jaehyun’s not asking _for_ much. He just wants to know that Doyoung wants to keep this relationship as much as he does. They haven’t been dating long but it isn’t a short time either and Jaehyun likes Doyoung too much to give up now.

When Doyoung doesn’t give a reply, Jaehyun doesn’t despair. He persists.

“Do you want me to make the effort?”

Silence greets Jaehyun.

Sucking in a deep breath, Jaehyun slowly lets go of Doyoung’s hand. “Do you want me to stay?”

Doyoung doesn’t pull his hand back and Jaehyun already feels like Doyoung is pushing him away.

“Do you want me to go?”

Again, Doyoung simply stares at Jaehyun, but his eyes look sad and Jaehyun’s heart clenches.

“I’m leaving,” Jaehyun decides for both of them.

The words make Doyoung sit up straighter and his hand moves forward, as if reaching for Jaehyun’s again, but he pulls back quickly and looks at Jaehyun worriedly. Then he sighs and looks down at the table. “Okay,” he says after a while like he contemplated Jaehyun’s words.

Without looking at Jaehyun again, Doyoung stands up to leave.

“Kim Doyoung!” Jaehyun hurriedly walks to the other side of the table and grabs Doyoung’s shoulders, making me other’s eyes widen in fear and in shock. “Do you really want me to go?” He softens his voice in hopes that Doyoung will ask him to stay. But he doesn’t have any confidence that today isn’t that day that Doyoung chooses to push him away.

“If you want to,” Doyoung says simply. He looks afraid and Jaehyun hates that he’s the one scaring him.

Letting go of Doyoung’s shoulders, Jaehyun mumbles an apology before he’s turning away and walking towards the door of Doyoung’s apartment.

He starts wearing his shoes, not bothering to look up when he sees Doyoung lingering in front of him. He slowly ties his shoelaces, giving Doyoung any additional time to ask him to stay. By the time he’s finished wearing his shoes and Doyoung hasn’t said anything, he’s given up hope. But when his hand touches the handle, Doyoung finally says something.

Not only that, but Doyoung rushes forward to stop Jaehyun from opening the door. “No. Stay, please. Don’t go.”

They don’t talk for the rest of the night and they don’t have to.

Jaehyun’s gentle when he makes love to Doyoung that night. He kisses Doyoung silently when he sees him cry.

~

Doyoung turns up at Jaehyun’s office a week later during the other’s lunch time.

“Doyoung?” Jaehyun calls in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

“Lunch, of course,” Doyoung announces happily, hooking his arm with Jaehyun’s and the latter quickly tells his co-workers that he’ll see them back at the office before getting into the passenger seat of Doyoung’s porsche.

He’s surprised when he sees that the interior is red in colour and that’s when he realises that it’s his first time sitting Doyoung’s car.

Jaehyun watches silently as Doyoung fastens his seatbelt and arranges his hair in the rearview mirror. There are so many things on the tip of his tongue but he bites them all back. They haven’t spoken in a week, not even through text. Jaehyun doesn’t even know if Doyoung turned up at the bar last Thursday because he’s been actively avoiding the place (as much as he misses its drinks). The last time they said a word to each other was the morning after they had sex at Doyoung’s apartment. Even then, it was just Jaehyun asking Doyoung how he wanted his eggs done — _“I don’t like eggs,”_ said Doyoung, prompting Jaehyun to angrily turn off the stove and set the plate of toast and bacon in front of Doyoung. After breakfast, Jaehyun went to work and that was it.

Just as Doyoung’s about to pull his gear into drive, Jaehyun stops him. “We need to stop doing this, Doyoung. I don’t know where I stand with you.”

Slowly lifting his head, Doyoung blinks at Jaehyun before he smiles, guarded. “I don’t understand what you mean.”

“Then I’ll spell it out for you.” Jaehyun isn’t going to back away this time. Doyoung isn’t going to scare him away. “I like you, Doyoung, and I care about you. And if I’m not mistaken, you like me too. You wouldn’t have agreed to date me otherwise, right?” Doyoung nods and Jaehyun continues, “But you’re...I don’t know. Not good with commitment? That’s what Taeyong said to me the other day in Spain anyway — ”

Doyoung straightens in his seat. “Taeyong wha — ”

“He just made a passing remark,” Jaehyun reassures and Doyoung leans back against his chair, staring at Jaehyun like he’s getting reprimanded. “What can I do to make you trust me, hm? Dating is just a term, it’s just a label. We don’t have to define ourselves if you don’t want to. We can just go back to having movie dates or hanging out at amusement parks so I can find excuses to hold your hand.”

Mouth opening and closing, Doyoung looks like he’s at a loss for words. “I’m…” is all he manages to say before closing his mouth again. He meets Jaehyun’s eyes. “I’m afraid of commitment.”

“Just hold my hand if you’re scared,” Jaehyun whispers, the words familiar to Doyoung’s ears.

Jaehyun never knows when Doyoung’s going to pull him closer or push him away so all he can do is wait for the other to make a move. It’s been like this from the start. Jaehyun has known from the start.

“Is this you trying to find an excuse to hold my hand again?” Doyoung jokes, trying to lighten the atmosphere or get himself out of this situation.

“I like you, Kim Doyoung.”

Doyoung doesn’t doubt that. Not one bit.

This time, Doyoung takes Jaehyun’s hand.

**Author's Note:**

> Jaehyun throwing Doyoung around is inspired by him throwing objects around (like his birthday cake, his phone, the werewolf card - you know that video of him on twitter yes that one).
> 
> If anyone wants to scold Doyoung for being like that, let me explain - he does like Jaehyun but he never liked anyone the way he likes Jaehyun before. And he's okay with the whole chase and going out on dates and Jaehyun asking him out but he doesn't really /know/ how to 'act' like Jaehyun's boyfriend (it's almost the same thing, yes but people get scared when things become more serious and official) so he runs away but when he sees Jaehyun making the efforts, he kind of lets down his guard down and tries to make the effort too. I don't know if I'm making sense (because there's actually still so much I want to say) but my point is commitment can be scary TT
> 
> Also, just by the way, Doyoung has a real job and he's working on something for his father in Korea hahas he really just sings at the bar because he likes singing
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated!
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/fullsunlet) (ifollowbackifwetalkoften)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/fullsunlet)


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